This will be the first in a series of articles in which I hope to describe men's particular challenges to being in a committed relationship. My concern is that it's a very broad subject and my editors tell me I should be limiting myself to 500 words or less. But because I am also concerned about the state of the male psyche and the image women have of men and men have of themselves in relationships, I want to offer some of my views. I acknowledge there are exceptions to everything I will be suggesting here.
Men were raised by women and most men want to make their wives happy just like they wanted to make their mothers happy. For this reason they look to their wives for cues on how they are doing. If their wife is happy, they think they're okay. If their wife is unhappy, they feel like they need to fix something in themselves, the situation, or their wife.
There was a piece of research a while back which showed it's more important for the success of a marriage for the wife to be happy than for the husband to be happy. There are a lot of ways you could interpret this finding. The way I interpret it is that women are typically more attuned to relational nuance, and they act as the proverbial canary in the relationship coal mine. So if the wife is happy, it's a good indicator that the marriage is more solid. The man is often happy simply if his wife is happy.
Now there is nothing wrong with a man being attuned to his wife. The problem with this is that it leaves all the relational burden on the woman. It's too much responsibility for her and it lets the man off the hook for developing his own sense of what's right, what's wrong, what's working, what's not. We can ask the question a few different ways -- "Why should only the woman be allowed to determine the direction of the relationship?" or "Why should the wife have to be the relationship custodian?"
What a man needs to learn from women and from the feminist movement is that we are not isolated islands. We are interdependent in deep and profound ways we are only beginning to understand. But learning these valuable lessons from women shouldn't mean trying to act like a woman. I cringe from the kind of emasculation I sometimes see with men afraid to offend, wanting to fit in with the new version of how a man is supposed to be.
A male acting like a man is nothing more and nothing less than having the courage to be true to himself. This is the hero's journey so often depicted in mythology, fairy tales, and on the big screen. Rather than slaying dragons, aliens, or enemies, the real challenge for most men in today's society is to understand the truth of his essential nature, and then to vanquish whatever fears would prevent him from acting in accordance with that. I know of no better partner for him on this quest than his spouse. And from my work with many women in my practice, they need their men to engage in this journey as much as the man needs to do it for himself.
Do you have a question about your marriage or relationship? Ask Josh in the comments below or email him at josh@joshgressel.com.
Josh Gressel, Ph.D., is a couples therapist based in Pleasant Hill, CA. Visit his website at joshgressel.com.
I have yet to see a relationship article say that women need to learn to ask their husbands to do specific, unambiguous and discrete things that women themselves believe will improve the situation: "I want you to do X. If you do X, I will be at least marginally more happy." Guess what? If they do that, 99 times out of 100 husbands will do X without complaint.
I couldn't agree with your point more, and if you'll be patient, I'm getting there. One of the most difficult interventions I institute with wives, is giving them the following instruction: "The next five sentences out of your mouth all have to begin with the words 'I want....'" They will often try to cheat, and say things like "I want you to want to...." "No," I intervene. "You need to say what you want, without worrying about if your partner is going to like it or not." The problem you're pointing to is the flip side of the problem men have: it is extremely difficult for many women to disconnect from relationship enough to ascertain what it is they want for themselves, and instead they give mushy, vague hints and hope their husbands will guess what they want so they don't have to say it out loud. There are a ton of reasons for this. It drives men crazy, just like men drive women crazy. Bottom line, you are absolutely right that there are two sides to this struggle. Before I can start to describe what I see the woman's role to be, I thought I need to take on the man's part.
That works when you take the emotion out of the conversation. But what fun is that?
I always wonder when I see a married person treat their friends better than their spouse. Why would anyone do that?
The nuclear family - as you describe it - hasn't existed, despite your claims to the contrary, for thousands of years. Try again. I would agree that there are many advantages to parents staying home to raise their children. I would encourage more dads to work part-time or opt for being a stay at home dad. Men are quite capable of raising children.
My schedule is flexable enough for me to make all of my kids importat events and even coach their teams. I dont see the value of being a stay at home dad but for those that go that path I say well played. I still think this is the exception and alpha males wont do well in this situation anytime soon.
I always read articles like this because relationships are continually changing their parameters whether its biological or environmental. I admit I dont know everything so therefore I want to see what I might be missing. I want to make sure my loved one is always happy and I do what I can for her. We all go through challenges and changes, no one can just use one formula forever and expect things to always be fine. For those of you who want to keep things simple then I add my own advice even if I get ridiculed. From my accummulation of knowledge it seems the closest thing to the best single formula for success and to be happy is for both people to always have complete open honest communication and the willingness to always be vulnerable to listen. The rest will follow.