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Health & Fitness

Projections in Romantic Love

In this concluding post of a series on projection, Pleasant Hill psychologist Josh Gressel takes a look at what's really happening when we fall in love.

Is there anything more glorious than falling in love?  Colors are brighter, smells are sharper, life is a magical adventure and we become princes and princesses in its unfolding.  Romance has fueled poetry, songs, and all manner of art for millennia.  It has brought out the best and the worst of human behavior since the dawn of history.

 

The nasty little secret of romance is that it never lasts, at least not in its initial intoxicating form.  I like to think of romance as God's way of tricking us into making a commitment.  Research has shown that the romantic phase of love lasts anywhere from six months to three years.

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How can we understand romance and why it doesn't last?  I believe the concept of projection I have been writing about in recent weeks goes a long way toward explaining romantic love.

If you stop to think about it, how can it be that a person you've only met recently gets transformed so quickly from a perfect stranger into the most perfect being on the face of the earth?  When it comes right down to it, we're falling in love with someone we really don’t know.

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How might the concept of projection help us understand this falling in love?  Well, for starters it would suggest that we are having positive projections onto this perfect stranger.  In this person we are able to see how life could be if all of our own limitations were lifted.  In their presence, we feel the best possible versions of ourselves, and because it is in the other person's presence (or by simply thinking of the other person) which causes that to happen, we say things like "you make me whole" or "with you I'm the man/woman I want to be" or "What did I ever do to deserve finding someone as beautiful/perfect/wonderful as you?".  This is further fueled by a whole bunch of neurotransmitters firing off, which add a chemical bath to our brains to help us have a feeling of well being, wholeness, and happiness.

I believe that if we could look underneath this process what we would be able to see is that we are projecting onto our new love object all the unclaimed positive aspects within ourselves.  This is not to diminish the beauty of the experience but to help us understand its deeper meaning.  Just as I wrote in earlier columns, it is important for us first to recognize our projections, that we are indeed projecting, and then to see where they stem from within ourselves.  Ultimately, if we don't learn to do that, what initially makes us love the person will eventually make us dislike them.  The spontaneity we initially love in another will suddenly transform in our eyes into what appears to be irresponsibility; the groundedness which at first makes us feel secure with that person will eventually begin to feel like a heavy wet blanket that cuts the life out of everything.

This isn't some malevolent bait-and-switch process at work, where the person we fell in love with tricked us somehow, but it is an experience of what it feels like to wake up from a projection.  Whether it’s a positive projection onto a guru, movie or sports star, or a lover cum spouse, when we wake up from the projection we inevitably feel disappointment and sometimes even anger toward the once wonderful person who is suddenly real and flesh and blood.  It’s like someone took the candy away from us after first letting us enjoy it.

What's a body to do?  The answer is almost always the same:  a) awareness, b) responsibility.  First I must become aware of that which is disowned within me, then I must work to bring it forth within myself. I cannot rely upon my spouse to be spontaneous or grounded.  I must develop that within myself, and when I do I will stop being angry at him/her for no longer making me feel so wonderful just by being near.  I will have taken a step toward wholeness, in relationship to another person moving toward wholeness.

Next post:  The psychological challenge of being beautiful and/or rich

Do you have a question about your marriage or relationship? Ask Josh in the comments below or email him at josh@joshgressel.com.

Josh Gressel, Ph.D., is a couples therapist based in Pleasant Hill, CA. Visit his website at joshgressel.com.  He is currently accepting referrals.

 


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