The Psychological Challenges of Being Beautiful

I want to open today’s post with two disclaimers:  a) I have never had to personally struggle with the issue I’m about to describe, b) I don’t claim expertise in it professionally. But I still think it’s an interesting and important topic to think about and I’m hoping for comments from readers to help this discussion.  As always, if you want your comments to be heard and to make it safe for others to comment, it’s important to be respectful in how you express your views.

I have been thinking about this question in regards to women primarily, although I’m sure handsome men have similar issues, though not as pronounced.  There is much more emphasis on beauty with women, and it infiltrates almost every aspect of our culture and marketplace.  With men I intend to take a look more at the psychological challenges of being rich, but that will wait for another day.

So what could be bad about being beautiful, you ask?  What’s so terrible about being sought out, about having an easier time getting everything from dates to jobs?  Who wouldn’t want to be beautiful?

The first thing I see is the problem with privilege in general:  it cushions you from reality in a way that is not always healthy.  If you simply have to smile to get your way in a situation, you do not develop the internal resources that are necessary to cope with life fully. 

Connected to this is the second problem:  if the world responds only to your external self consistently, how easy will it be for you to connect to your internal self or even to know it’s there? Some women learn to make use of the way they’re treated superficially to turn the tables on those who see them only as “dumb blonds.” The movie Legally Blond with Reese Witherspoon plumbs this dynamic, but movies don’t typically show the real wrinkles in such struggles.  How easy is it to believe you’re intelligent, that you have something to offer, when all anyone seems to notice is how pretty you are?

A third and connected issue is that it can make a woman dependent on external validation.  If you grow up on a steady diet of attention, if every time you walk into a room all the men’s heads turn to look at you, you may well develop a way of being in the world where external attention is the only way you can feel comfortable. You then become dependent on this kind of superficial validation:  do you find me attractive?  Can I get you to notice me?

Men are by and large complete suckers for this kind of ploy – a beautiful woman need only touch them lightly on the forearm and they are immediately in a swoon and willing to do anything for more.  It doesn’t have to be about sex.  It can simply stay at the level of wanting more of the beautiful woman’s attention.  And it requires of a beautiful woman a lot of consciousness and a lot of integrity not to take advantage of this kind of advantage.

A fourth issue is having to contend with the envy of other women.  How many relationships have been poisoned – and not just in high school – because a beautiful woman simply by walking into the room garnered more than her share of attention?

Finally, physical beauty has a limited shelf life.  At a certain age, you simply are no longer the most attractive woman in the room.  Then what?

I attend a weekly Zumba class where there are probably 100 women and three men. This renders me completely invisible in the class, which is a good thing since I’m so terrible at the moves, but also because it lets me get to experience how women behave when men aren’t around.  I love to watch the way women dance.   The interesting thing for me is that it is the large women I find more engaging:  they are fully in their bodies, moving with an abandon and in connection to the music in a way that is both earthy and beautiful.  The beautiful women with the beautiful bodies – of course they’re also wonderful to watch – but to my eyes at least it seems to me that their consciousness of their bodies and how they look interferes with their connection to the music and the dance.  It’s as if they are “doing the movements” as opposed to being in the moment.  In some subtle way their awareness of their looks from the “outside in” appears to interfere with their ability to dance from the “inside out.”

These are just some preliminary thoughts.  What do you think?

Do you have a question about your marriage or relationship? Ask Josh in the comments below or email him at josh@joshgressel.com.

Josh Gressel, Ph.D., is an individual and couples therapist based in Pleasant Hill, CA. Visit his website at joshgressel.com.  He is currently accepting referrals.